My Absolute Being - My Thou

Why am I here? What is my purpose? Is it only to serve God? If it is, why am I sinning more each day? What right do I have to live? Why not silence my life, instead of letting sin eat my soul?

I always get scolded by my mother, teased a lot by my brother and sister, argued a lot with my friends and fought with my father. With all of these things happening regularly in my life, out of the blue a question popped in - is this what my life is all about? It has become "routinary", meaningless and painful. Routinary to the point that I become restless, meaningless to the point that I become useless and painful to the point that I want to lose myself. So, why am I here? What is my purpose?

Our Bible study leader said in order to become like Christ we must sin less. Become like Christ - that is our goal. Our mission is to let the others know. Those were the basic things I learned from the church. I have my faith. Each time I went to church I was somehow enlightened. I felt invigorated, refreshed and inspired. But once I go out, the cruel reality of the world strikes back like a solid wind blown to the face. So, is this really to serve God? Why am I sinning more each day?

Many times I thought of killing myself, often times dreaming that I was never to wake up. But I'm a coward with no guts. I cannot possibly commit suicide and each day that I dream I wake up soon after. I feel very tired doing the same thing every day - and each day, I sinned. Lying, backstabbing, using foul words, and cheating; these are just some vices that I'm hooked up to like drugs. So, what right do I have to live? Why not silence my life, instead of letting sin eat my soul?

Honestly, up to now I don't have the answers to my ever mind boggling questions. And I frequently wonder about these questions to the point that I doubt my faith. However, I was thinking deeply and realized...instead of questioning things like these I should be more thankful to God for letting me experience the joy of having a family to look out for me, having friends to cheer me on and having strangers to spice things up. I should be more thankful for the blessings I receive each day and the countless gifts I get from God. Also, I should be more thankful for the trials that enable me to comprehend life much better.

If I did not exist I would not have experienced the things that I wanted to and the things that which make me grow to be more mature and understanding. I should be more contented with the way things that are right now. And in conclusion to this, I give my complete trust in God because He is my Absolute Being - MY THOU.

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